Gilbert and Gilbird
by Yusacream
Summary: moral s  of this story: dont anger gnomes, dont buy heavy boxes of veggies, and dont accept flowers from horny unicorns.  blarg i had to write a fanfic for school so i made it some pruhun/BTT ... i wish i could have been more dirty  3


9

_**Gilbert and Gilbird**_

Once upon a time in the land of Regenbogen, there lived a gnome named Romano. He lived in a small stone cottage by an old training ground in a part of Regenbogen known as Tomaten. He was very lonely, not only because almost nobody ever came to Tomaten, but also because he tends to be very aggressive and constantly yells at people. The few people who have seen him can identify him by his unusual size and the strange curl that sticks out of the right side of his head.

One day, when he made the long, perilous journey to the town to buy several boxes of tomatoes, he found one that was heavier than the others. Because of this, he assumed that they must have somehow managed to put more tomatoes into this box, which is the same size as all of the others. So, along with over 20 other boxes, he returned home with a wagon to eat his ripe juicy new tomatoes. After finishing half of the boxes, he came to the heavy box. He never would have dreamed of what was inside.

In the box was a laughing baby boy who looked to be at least one or two years old with pale blonde, almost white, hair and dark brown eyes. The sound of his laughter echoed throughout the cottage, "Kesesesese! Kesesesese!" As Romano was about to lift the baby out of the crate, he heard the laugh again, but this time, it sounded more… metallic. As he dug through the box (with the baby still in it), he found a sparkling sword that was, as it seemed, mimicking the baby's laugh. On its golden handle, the name "Gilbert" was engraved. As it turned out, the sword was incredibly heavy, so it immediately fell onto the baby, but, somehow, the baby was unharmed. Despite this incident, he continued to dig, and at the bottom of the box he found something very unusual. It was a little golden bird.

About a year later, Romano traveled out to town again to buy some ingredients for a pasta dish he was planning on making that night. When he was about to look at some boxes to buy, he remembered what had happened several months earlier. So, because of this, he yelled at the owner of the vegetable stand until he let Romano look through the boxes. After looking through 100 or so, he decided that there must be no children inside any of the boxes, so he decided to just buy the boxes with the freshest fruit, some of which he had not looked inside of. After violently throwing a big bag of metal coins in the stand owner's face, he returned home with a new wagon which he had bought that same day at another shop. Once he was home and began to make his pasta, he thought he heard something moving, and when he threw an ovular rock where he assumed that the noise was coming from, it stopped, so he just guessed it was a rat or Gilbert.

Soon after, while he was still digging through the boxes, a toddler who had just learned to walk came into the kitchen with a small bird. As Gilbert was mimicking Romano by trying to open the boxes, he finally managed to open one with a stick, but he was too short to look inside of the box. Instead, the little golden bird, now known as Gilbird, flew up and landed on one of the walls of the box and began to chirp. Desperate to see what was inside, he decided to do use what Romano had taught him. First, he yelled at the crate, but that obviously did nothing. So, he started to repeatedly kick the crate until it fell over, making all of the vegetables pour out all over the floor. But that wasn't it. On top of all of the vegetables was a small baby girl with eyes as green as the most beautiful of fields, and hair like the bark on an oak tree in the fall. Mysteriously, she was lying on a shiny metal frying pan. As Romano was picking up the baby girl, Gilbert said something different than his usual "I'm awesome!" He looked at the baby, and asked Romano "Are you going to throw a rock at her, too?"

Over the next several years, Romano would make great use of the old training grounds. He would push Gilbert and Elizaveta to do the hardest of challenges, fight off the most challenging of enemies, and to master the tool which was found with them. Soon, Gilbert and Elizaveta became feared warriors, and sometimes even came across the evil warlock known as Antonio, whom has a giant army of trolls and rumor has it can constantly transform into a bear whenever he pleases.

-18 years later-

"Gilbert! Give me back my frying pan!"

"KESESESESE!"

On a surprisingly warm sunny day, a young woman was chasing a young man through a field of red flowers and yelling and threatening to throw a stick at him. "If you don't give that back, I'll beat you until you can't be beaten anymore!" This just made him laugh. "You can't catch me and my awesomeness, KESESESESE!" and continued running. But, while he was laughing, he failed to see a large rock right in front of him. As he tumbled forward and the frying pan went flying in the air, the rock flipped over, and as it turned out, was hollow. But it was not totally empty. Inside of the fake rock was the creature who is part-troll, part-boy, otherwise known as Peter. "I'm learning to be a rock, desu-yo!" And as Gilbert was getting up, he was, as expected, smacked in the back of the head by Elizaveta's frying pan.

Peter, as said before, is part-troll, part-boy, and was abandoned by his parents and ended up raising himself on the beach. Once when Romano went there, he felt something kick his leg incredibly hard, and since he just happened to have a very large box with him, he threw it over whatever caused him pain, flipped it over and closed the top of the box without looking inside. When he got home, he set the box on the floor, coward into a corner, and screamed until Elizaveta gave in and opened it. Gilbert wanted to cut it open with his sword originally, but Elizaveta hit the side of his face with her frying pan causing him to fall to the floor, and then he soon joined Romano in the corner. When Elizaveta opened the crate, she was surprised to find a young boy with pointed ears who looked to be about eleven years old with golden blonde hair and in a sailor suit, who then jumped out like a jack-in-the-box, ran over to Romano and kicked him in the shin. "I didn't like that box, desu-yo!" It was no surprise when Romano began to scream hysterically, not from the kick, but just because he was afraid of Peter. After this, the young boy ran into the woods, and has been living there ever since, with the occasional visit to Romano's house, which, usually, is followed by screaming and crying.

This was several months before the current time. Now Peter has gotten interested in hiding under fake, hollow objects and placing himself where people, specifically Gilbert and Romano, will trip over him. When he does this in large crowds of people he has never met in his life, after they fall Peter normally kicks them until they agree to buy him an ice cream cone. Surprisingly this has never failed.

Now it is the middle of the fall. The trees are turning a beautiful shade of orange, the wind is perfect, and the temperature is neither too hot nor too cold. As a gust of wind comes and goes, the golden leaves separate themselves from the branches of the trees and land over the field of which Gilbert, Elizaveta and Peter were spending their early afternoon in. As Elizaveta was helping Peter fix a dent in his rock costume, Gilbert noticed the absence of Gilbird on his head, so he began to walk over to Romano's cottage, where he and Elizaveta have been residing in with Romano since the day's he had found them in the boxes. As Gilbert opened the old, wooden door and entered the small home, which obviously had not recently been cleaned, he heard a noise. It was a quiet, whisper-like "Fusosososo, Fusosososo." Supposing it was nothing, Gilbert decided to start by looking in the places where the little golden bird could normally be found. First, he checked the perch in the kitchen. No Gilbird. Then, he went into his room. And still found nothing.

After several hours of searching, he became worried. Where had his little bird gone too? As he went to check in his room again, he noticed something he had not seen before. The window by the perch was smashed. Somebody must have stolen Gilbird!

As Gilbert bolted downstairs in a panic, he slammed into Elizaveta, knocking them both onto the floor. As Elizaveta was preparing to unleash her frying pan fury, Gilbert just barley managed to dodge the hit, and continued to run towards the kitchen. When he finally made it to the kitchen, he found Romano making some new dish with the new tomatoes he just bought. "Romano, someone stole Gilbird!" Romano was too focused on his tomatoes to notice he was even there. Suddenly, a metallic blade laughing "KESESESESE" sliced the pretty row of tomatoes Romano had just made. In an angry rage, Romano threw all of his now sliced tomatoes at Gilbert, causing him to become covered in clusters of smashed tomatoes. "DON'T TOUCH MY TOMATOES!" Romano literally had steam rolling out of his ears, he was so mad. He was very sensitive about his tomatoes. Still a nervous wreck, the panicking blonde yelled "I think Gilbird's been kidnapped!" It didn't take long for Romano to think of someone to blame.

"It was Antonio."

"Why?"

"I don't need a reason, he does everything!"

"Sure, ok. I'll just go now…"

A few steps after he had left the small cottage, he felt something slam against his shin. "That's for leaving us, desu-yo! It got boring!" Behind him followed a not amused Elizaveta. "What's got you so worked up? Even you should be able to watch where you are going! Or maybe you're just not as awesome as you think you are!" Ignoring her comment, which is so obviously untrue, he walked right past she and Peter and said "I have no time for you two, I need to save Gilbird." Elizaveta looked confused and questioned "Why would anyone want your bird?" Gilbert snapped back "I don't know! That's why I'm going to the dark lair to find him!" Peter suddenly pounced on Gilbert's back and yelled "I want to come, desu-yo!" Gilbert threw Peter off of his back, and yelled "Go back under your rock, troll!" Elizaveta went next to Peter and decided to side with him. "If he doesn't go, than I won't go."

"I didn't say I wanted you to come." This earned him a frying pan in the face. And thus their journey through the forest which the dark lair laid began.

As they finished walking along the pathway, they came to a forest with the most unpleasant, unfriendly aura around it. Strange creatures supposedly appear in this forest. There have been sightings of pixies, elves, and supposedly, even unicorns, which Gilbert really wanted to see. As they entered the dark, eerie forest, a giant spider dropped from a tree, and hung in front of them on the strand of web which was still attached to a tree. Peter screamed and climbed up onto Elizaveta's back, crying and trembling, screeching "Kill it, desu-yo, kill it!"

Just as Peter said this, Gilbert whipped out his sword, and with a "KESESESESE" the giant, purple, hairy spider was split in half, covering everything within ten-feet in what seemed to be some kind of orange goo. _BAM! _He fell to the ground, and when he rolled over too learn why Elizaveta hit him this time, he found Peter to be holding her frying pan looking surprising angry. "You got spider juice on my clothes, desu-yo!" Gilbert got up and decided to just ignore Peter's complaints and move on.

This time, he heard something rustling in the bushes. As he warned Elizaveta and they readied their weapons, they saw something they never thought they would ever see. It was a unicorn.

But it was different than any unicorn that anyone had ever seen in any books. This unicorn seemed to shine, despite the darkness of the woods, have a mane made of gold, and around its neck was a basked of beautiful, blue roses. And its' horn was the biggest he had ever seen, even bigger than the ones that he has seen in books. And it had a beautiful, golden horn.

"Don't trust that unicorn, desu-yo! I've heard of him from fan girls who go by my rock. His name is Francis, and he is always playing tricks on people with his-" "Shut up, Peter! I'm looking at the unicorn!" Then, the unicorn magically began to speak. "Ohonhonhon, would you like to buy some pretty roses for a pretty lady? Ohonhonhon."

"Don't take anything from him, desu-yo!" While Peter was saying this, he ran up to Francis and kicked him in his front leg. "We don't want your stinky roses, desu-yo!" As the unicorn whinnied in pain, Gilbert threw Peter back into a prickly bush and ran up to the unicorn and asked if he could pet its mane. Francis the unicorn not only allowed him to that, but also said "Why don't you go on my back?" And Gilbert agreed. While he was on his back, Francis took one of the beautiful violet roses, put it in Gilbert's hand, and whispered "Give it to her. You like her, non?" and then flung him off of his back and ran away into the dark forest.

This was the moment Gilbert had been waiting for his entire life. Ever since he was young, he had a secret love for Elizaveta. Now was his time to show it. After chasing Peter into a nearby tree by threatening him with his sword, he found Elizaveta sitting on a log, just staring into the dark depths of the forest. When he finally mustered up his courage, he came up behind her, tapped her on the shoulder, and when she turned around, presented the rose to her. When she accepted it at first, she was confused, but then when she saw the budding, rosy blush beginning to appear on his pale face, she smiled, took a quick smell of the rose, and gave Gilbert a peck on the cheek. After this, Gilbert got so embarrassed that he ran and hid behind a rock (that was probably Peter, who somehow got down from the tree without anyone noticing and is getting really good at being a rock).

But then something strange happened. When Elizaveta tried to speak, nothing came out. After several attempts to make any of noise, Gilbert left his hiding place and came up to her and scowled, although still slightly blushing. "Well? Aren't you going to say anything?" She tried to tell him she couldn't speak, but since she couldn't speak, this was becoming very difficult. But then she had an idea. She went over to the largest rock which Gilbert had been hiding behind earlier, and, with a smaller, palm-sized rock, carved _"I can't speak." _And as it turns out, Peter was the rock. "Stop writing on my rock, desu-yo! Now you owe me ice cream!"

Ignoring Peter and still trying to make sense of what she was trying to tell him, they then heard a familiar laugh. "Ohonhonhonhon, you like my roses, non?" That was when Gilbert figured out what had happened. "It must have been the roses! Something must have happened when you smelled it or something." Just after Peter had gotten out of his rock costume and left it where it was, he ran over to Gilbert and jumped on his back. Then, suddenly, the ground opened up and the three of them fell through. "NOOOO, MY ROCK, DESU-YO!" Peter had just died a little inside.

Then they realized it was not the ground that was opening, it was a trap door, which led to the inside of a dark, round room, with a large chair, and behind it was a much larger cage, which seemed to be full of some kind of small creatures making weird laughing noises and sounded as though they were bashing something. On the chair sat a dark, mysterious figure in a dark green robe. As he pulled off his hood, the face of the dark warlock Antonio was revealed, with his glowing emerald eyes and rusty brown hair. Soon to be noticed, above him was a cage which contained the little golden bird known as Gilbird. Antonio, with his usual, despite his appearance, cheery voice, said with a large grin "Fusosososo, welcome to my lair, amigos!" This was when Gilbert saw the cage. "Mein Gott! It's Gilbird!"

Gilbert was not amused. "Why did you take my bird, Antonio?" Laughing, Antonio stood up, and started to walk to the cage of what appeared to be trolls. "It's simple, actually," he pointed at Peter, "I want your troll!"

"… What?"

"Your troll, I want him! I have all kinds of trolls in my army of deviant trolls, from furry trolls, to squeaky trolls, but I don't have any trolls that are rocks! That's why I need him for my army of miniature trolls! That is why I took your bird. I knew it was the only way you would come! I was thinking about taking Romano instead, but he always yells and throws rocks at me, which, in fact, isn't much fun after a few hours of it."

"So, that's why you are here, and if you would just hand him over, than I will not have to unleash the wrath of my powers, or, worse yet, of my deviant trolls." Gilbert stepped up, and defiantly answered "No."

This was when something strange began to happen. Suddenly, Antonio started to change. He began to grow hair all over his body, but, surprisingly enough, he started to shrink. Suddenly, he looked as though he had just come directly from a really bad meme. Then he pulled out his most deadly weapon.

It was his tomato gun.

But Gilbert did not see what he had in store for him. When Antonio was just about to start shooting his incredibly dangerous weapon at Gilbert, Elizaveta managed to make him fall to the ground by hitting him with her frying pan, which she had to do because she can't speak, and just as the first giant tomato whizzed past his head. As Gilbert fell, he landed on what seemed to be a large button, and that was when a giant rock fell through the roof, crushing Antonio. As Gilbert got up and realized what had happened, Elizaveta flew over and embraced him in a hug, and screamed for joy. After realizing the wonderful fact that she had finally gotten her voice, they had remembered the previous event and began to blush. This was when they saw Peter sitting on top of the cage with Gilbird in his hand. Gilbert yelled "Give him too me!"

"No, desu-yo! You're mean to me!"

This made Gilbert very angry. This also made Peter quite amused. "You mad?"

As it turned out, Peter had fallen deeply in love with the rock that crushed Antonio, so he decided to live in the old lair with his new wife and all of his fellow trolls.

So Elizaveta, Gilbird and Gilbert all went back to Romano's house and ate lots of pasta and they all lived happily ever after.

**THE END**


End file.
